It’s safe to say that The Witcher 3 is packed full of humorous moments. Some of them even laugh-out-loud. I kept a tally of those occasions where the game made me laugh. These are my favourites.
There may be spoilers ahead…
Preparing for an audience with the Emperor
The Nilfgaardian chamberlain, Mererid, who dresses Geralt for his audience with the Emperor during the quest “Imperial Audience” is funny. There are a number of comments between them that always prompt a laugh.
Johnny’s favourite part of the day
He says, is: “defecatin’ to the sunrise” in the morning. Genius.
Classroom Q&A with Marabella during Broken Flowers
This only occurs if you insist on talking to Marabella while her class is on, rather than waiting for it to end. The questions the children ask, and the statements they make, are hilarious (“And that’s where little Witchers come from!“), but the comment from the child at the end (“I’d rather have had the Rat-Catcher,”) made me laugh the loudest.
Inspecting the corpse’s genitals during the quest “Carnal Sins“. Just the mere fact that it’s a choice makes it funny, but the ensuing conversation is also hilarious.
Bergthora during Possession
Asking Bergthora about the other girls in the village during the quest “Possession” results in some laugh-out-loud responses.
Druid gives The Bird
When asking the Silent Druid how long he’d not had a voice, by holding up his fingers, the druid responds by giving Geralt the middle finger. During the quest “Shock Therapy“.
Madman Lugos and Donar an Hindar
During the quest “The King is Dead – Long Live the King” Geralt and Yennefer are introduced to two Jarls – Madman Lugos and Donar an Hindar – at King Bran‘s wake. It’s fair to say that these two clan leaders don’t get on… And the language used between them both is hilarious. There’s even an optional pro challenge fistfight with Lugos, should you wish to initiate it (he’s level 30, but still beatable).
Lambert‘s story after you place the Phelactary on The Circle of Elements, during the quest “The Last Trial“. Lambert asks Geralt how he got past the trolls in his original trial. He says he used Axii, and Lambert replies: “Yeah, useful sign Axii. Saved my life a short while ago.” Geralt asks if it’s a good story, and Lambert tells him how he made a couple of robbers kill themselves using Axii. It’s a sickening story, but the context of the situation makes it funny. Plus, Geralt‘s remarks back to him are pure banter. “Lambert, Lambert – what a prick...” but now we all know why…
“Is it 1358 yet?”
The scene with Professor Vairmont Jonne during the hidden quest “A Tome Emtombed” is funny. Geralt helps the Professor remove the lid from a sarcophagus, and inside they find a vampire regenerating. The vampire wakes up, mumbles “Just five more minutes…”, then asks Geralt if it’s 1358 yet. Geralt says “no” (almost trying not to laugh), so the vampire tells him to “fuck off”.
The Farting Trolls
How can anyone not find farting trolls funny?! LOL. They’re located on Skellige, in an unmarked cave on the road between Arinbjorn and Kaer Muire, and as soon as you enter you’ll hear farting noises in the distance, and trolls talking. They’re obviously enjoying letting off some arse gas, and you can sit there in the dark, stifling your laughter, because as soon as they detect you they’ll attack.
The Witchers getting drunk and playing Gwent at Kaer Morhen at the end of the quest “Ugly Baby“. Geralt, Yennefer, Eskel and Lambert are drinking at a table and Lambert says to Geralt: “Speaking of old friends, Novigrad, and ploughing… How’s Triss?”, which gives you the option to outright say “Fuck off” to him – if you’re romancing Yennefer. Later, when Lambert asks if they’re playing Gwent for money, Geralt suggests the alternative is “strip Gwent“.
“Not terribly bright”
During the quest “A Matter of Life and Death“, at the Masquerade Ball at the Vegelbud’s Estate, Ingrid Vegelbud says to Triss and Geralt that her brother hasn’t quite grasped the danger he’s in and that he’s “not terribly bright”. Geralt responds by saying that “he’ll fit right in with a good number of the other mages”, and Triss quickly scolds him. Made me laugh out loud anyway!
“Bubbered this lady”
At the beginning of the quest “Through Time and Space” Geralt goes with Avallac’h to a house in Novigrad to find a portal. He knocks on the door and a boy answers. Avallac’h asks the boy if his parents are in and the kid says “no”, then says that his mother is out chasing his father with a frying pan because he “bubbered this lady”. Geralt‘s response to the boy is a little confusing, but is definitely a very funny moment.
“More bearable on a buzz”
In Toussaint, when doing the quest “Vintner’s Contract: Chuchote Cave“, Geralt asks the owner if he’s been in the wine trade long, and he says “no”, he used to be an alchemist, but that he gave it up to make wine because you could drink on the job. And Geralt replies back: “Makes sense. And the world’s always a bit more bearable on a buzz.” Made me laugh.
Dead Man’s Party
This quest is an absolute barrel of laughs from start to finish, but the funniest moments I think are: 1. when Geralt and Vlodimir are waiting for Shani; Vlodimir says “This is romantic,” and Geralt replies: “Fuck off.” Kills me every time… 2. Vlodimir‘s extended chat with the bride and groom, 3. “make the dog “do some sport”” 4. mistaking the boar for a bear (“I’ve got weak eyes“), 5. David Artensborrow, 6. “Look! Look! Munchkins playing cards!” 7. “No need for insults” at the Gwent table 8. “many large sides” [said to Shani, and the reaction from the Gwent dwarves], 9. “You’ve got a pike so far up your arse, you can’t wear hats!” 10. and Vlodimir‘s closing speech.
And as a bonus, as you’ve reached this far, here are a few more extra screenshots of funny things I saw in the game.